Parents.

16.01.10

AISHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *sighs*
Why are parents like that??
They basically control everything. Every SINGLE part of your life.
Today my mum said to me "Why aren't you doing homework?"
I was completely baffled by this question. She has never ever questioned me once about my homework. Not once when I was in junior school. Not once in secondary school. But now when I'm in the last year of my A-levels... 10 years too late.

I know that it wasn't her fault. We had a takeaway and I know how full on they are as I work in one now. But as a kid, I was lonely. The best times of my childhood was when it was the weekend because that meant that my parents had the day off. Even the day off included going to chinese supermarkets stocking up on food and or buying woks, I was happy. I was with my parents. I would barely see my parents during the week. I would have gone to school in the morning and by the time I get back, they would already be preparing for the evening shift. I used to sleep in the same room as my parents and my older brother. I used to keep my brother awake so I wouldn't feel lonely. I would kick his bed every so often hoping he would stay awake. Sometimes I would even lie on the floor and listen to what my parents were up to. I used to try and stay awake to wait for them. But as I was only 7 or 8, I couldn't handle it and fall asleep before my parents finished. So this meant I had to look after myself. I was my own rock. I could only rely on myself. I would work so hard at school. I would listen to the teacher, do all my homeworks, read my books, play on my own, keep secrets to myself and I never dared tell my parents about myself or let them worry about me because I know they have so many other important things they need to worry about.

This is how our relationship has been for the past 10 years. My mum has done everything a good mother would do. Everything an amazing mum would have done.
I'm so grateful and I really do appreciate her for being her whenever I needed her. Thank you so much for looking after me for 18 years. But she neglected my feelings. Because I push myself to be good, I have never done anything to let her be disappointed or angry at me for, she doesn't tend to notice when something is wrong. So I built a bubble to protect myself, but now she wants to come back and start again. It's so hard for me. I don't know to to deal with it. I'm not very good with talking to her. It usually ends in a huge fight. She's just one of the people I'm unable to communicate with. The bubble I created prevents me from running up to her and hugging her. I really want to but I can't bring myself to do it. I wish I could. I know I should be a better daughter. I should listen to her more when she tells me to do things. But I'm actually mature enough now to think on my own. I have been ever since she stopped caring for me emotionally. When I cry, I hide in my room. Turn the music up. Cry until I can't cry anymore. She has never once comforted me. She once even shouted at me because I was crying. I had fallen out with a close friend and all she said was "It was all your fault wasn't it? Now go and apologise to your friend," She didn't ask whether I was okay or what happened. She just assumed it was me.
It's better now because I can't feel any of this. I don't cry anymore. I just "live with it". I must've done something wrong. I just don't know what it is yet. I've always been put behind my brothers. It's always been younger brother, older brother, me. I don't know whether it's just me but I feel like I'm always shunned to the back. No matter how hard I work at school and how teachers praise me for my hard work, she never has anything to say to me. She never congratulates me, she never says how good I am or how I should keep working. Just a cold "Work harder". It breaks my heart when she tells me this.. and now she's asking why I'm not doing my homework?

I wish she knew me better. Because of her, I cry. Yet she doesn't know. I just really hope we can get on better in the future. Because I really want a mum. Someone who cares. I love you <3

BFFL.

Don't you just hate it when your BFFL takes the piss out of you?


WELL I DO. ¬¬
GRRRRRR.
I'm going to toe her up the PENIS. THEN THROW HER INTO A POOL OF TOES.
TAKE THAT BISH. Yeah I thought not.

SAY NO MORE. ¬¬