04.05.2011
Weather: Cloudy
I’ve never cried so much in my life today. I cried at school. Just allow me. ¬¬ so like shameful… ugly baby would have judged me. I’ve learnt you should never cry at school.. you don’t want to burden your friends. School is a place where I can escape to, to get away from all the problems we have at home. It’s somewhere I feel safe. >.< just what is wrong with me?
I had to cry today at school. Sorry guys. My fault. Mianhe.
I thought I was going to be able to hold it all in. I thought I was stronger than that.
I tried to fight back the tears. But today it was extra hard. I don’t know why. Because as soon as I saw them my eyes just filled with water and even blinking couldn’t help. Mianhe, I feel so useless. I am just a waste of space sometimes. I can’t even look after myself. How pathetic am I?
I’ve never had the “happiness” that you were supposed to have as a kid. I learnt that as a kid, I’m not important. I have to be there for myself. Anything I want, I have to achieve myself. It was such a lonely process. Sometimes at school, I even fake a smile and I pretend I’m someone else. I pretend that I come from a family background everyone would be jealous of. But to be frank, there’s nothing to be jealous of.
I just want a tiny bit of love from my parents… just a little bit.. Is that too much to ask for? I know I’m being greedy but just once.. I would be so happy. No one has ever appreciated or has been proud of any of my achievements. Does that make me a failure? I wish I was young again. Naïve, innocent and helpless. Maybe then, I would be able to get just once hug. Just one hug. But there’s no use now. I literally have given up on hoping. Hope is such a cruel thing to me. I never want to believe in it again. It tricks me into thinking life is actually worth living for. But it’s just a temporary thing. And it never comes true. Promises are never kept and my wishes never come true. I used to be so optimistic. I would always look on the bright side of life. It was just a lie. I lied to myself to protect myself and now I just can’t seem to lie any more. Why does it hurt? It shouldn’t hurt but it does.
I know I’m really lucky to be who I am today and what I have. I am so grateful for that and I really do appreciate what I have. But I still feel like there’s a hole in my heart. Like how there’s a missing piece to a jigsaw. Like the night sky when it’s all dark and there isn’t a star in sight. Or like a McDonald’s cheeseburger without the gherkin. I keep hoping someone will fill it. But no matter how hard I try to fill it, how hard my friends cheer me up, the hole is still there. It’s turned into a scar. A scar that I will never be able to erase. An ugly reminder of my life.
I’m trying so hard to live life to the full but it’s easier said than done. I try to smile. Smiling releases endorphins that are supposed to make you happier. But I’m scared one day I’ll forget how to smile. I’ll stop producing endorphins. I’ll become a big lump of crap. I am probably the biggest piece of crap you could get. I’m scared of stepping out of my circle now because every time I come close to opening up, something will slam the door shut. Life is just like that. Full of bad timings and full of crap. We become stronger by throwing away crap ourselves and by living on, regardless of what crap is waiting for us to tread on.
I want to give up hoping, but there’s nothing else I can do. I don’t know how to struggle on. I can’t remember how to do anything anymore. I’ll keep hoping. Hoping that what I wish for comes true. Please. It’s all I’m hoping for. I know it’s immature to be living for a hope that will never come true but if you take it away from me, I will stop breathing. It gets so bad that every time I see a dandelion seed drift pass, I hope. Every time I see a rainbow, I wish. Every time I see the stars, I hope more…
I want to apologise to you beautiful people who saw me cry today. I hope my messed up face didn’t scare you more! You let me cry. Thank you. I have never let myself cry to a point I’m physically shaking. I am so sorry you had to see me like that today. I can’t promise I’ll be happy but I am trying. But that meant so much to me. I don’t think you’ll understand how much I really appreciated that and you’ll think its some cheesy shit I’m whipping out, but seriously. You guys cared for me. You guys listened to my every word. You guys wiped away the tears I cried. You guys tried to make me smile. No one has ever done that for me. I don’t know how to ever repay you guys. You guys are Alaine Sung’s very own fire fighters. You guys are like Jan Di’s very own Ji Hoo sunbae. Thank you.
And thanks to you guys, I’ll be okay! Aja aja hwaiting! ^^
Don’t worry about me. I’m Alaine Sung. What haven’t I lived through? ^^
