AISH. fml. BUYO. what is actually wrong with me NO LIE. ¬¬
i actually cant properly tell u how much i actually hate myself atm.
or how much i hate jealousy.
jealousy is actually a killer.
i wish i could be a better person where i wouldnt be jealous but i guess i cant.
im jealous of my best friends AGAIN.
seriously i must be like psychologically damaged ¬¬ no lie.
last night i did something i really shouldnt have gotten so petty over..
okay im on the phone to my best friend because she wasnt happy and she needed to confide in someone about her problem n then her bf texts her..
im not jealous that she has a bf cos they totally deserve to be with each other because they are actually so genuine to each other and i believe that hes gonna be there for her because she has been with such dicks i just want to slap.
but the thing is she said she was gonna call me back after she had a short chat to him. she could tell that i was disappointed because were on the phone every night without fail. chatting about the most useless things in life but thats what makes us friends <3
so i waited and waited.. i sat there like a pabo for 2 hours. still nothing. i cant actually describe how lonely and betrayed and upset i was.
why didnt she call back?
have i done something wrong?
am i not that important any more?
those questions kept rushing through my head.
i couldnt actually believe how she broke our promise.
we promised that it was always gonna be "hoes before bros"... but it wasnt.
i know having a bf is a good thing n im so happy for her and i am, dont get me wrong, but there's a part of me inside which is broken.
i've never had a best friend like her tbh. i've only just met these best friends. before i was used, abused, left out... so when i met her i felt like she was my twin. we're really close but i can feel us drifting away.. i guess friendship is not the thing for me.
i must be such a horrible person for thinking like this. i cant even convince myself im not. i even had to cry myself to sleep last night.
i'm actually so selfish. i guess i really didnt want anything to change. i dont want to share her with other people because im scared ill lose her. shes actually so important to me and i want to be a good friend to her like how she is to me. but its impossible i swear. because i cant promise i'll always be there for her and i wont ditch her if i get a bf in the future so its like hypocritical of me.
aish ottokae. i dont know what to do.
i feel like a failure. failure in being generous, kind, loving person i see myself to be.
aish. f.m.l.
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