OMG. I'VE JUST HAD ONE OF THE MOST STRESSFUL DAYS OF MY LIFE. I have never been so emotional. Well I completely FAILED my life.. my exams clearly went horribly wrong and my results have never been so shit in my life. OH MY GOD. Kill me.
Clearing is something I NEVER EVER want to do in my life again. NEVER.
Rejection cuts deep. Especially when it is by at least 4 universities...
AT first I got so happy because they had vacancies left but as soon as they heard my grades... they were like "Sorry we don't have a place for you here"...
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
I'm going to kick your butts by stepping it up at university and I will get the grades to rub it in your faces you horrible snobby people on the clearing hotlines.
I feel so bad that I disappointed a LOT of people today. I'm sorry I'm not clever enough to have got my grades. I'm really sorry, I never thought I did this badly.... >.< I will TRY so much harder at uni and I'm sorry...
And can I just say.. I NEVER KNEW MY FRIENDS CARED THAT MUCH ABOUT ME! I seriously am so grateful. SO GRATEFUL. Thank you so much.. If you guys ever need me to do anything for you I WILL BE THERE. Just call me and I promise if I can help I will <3 I love you all and thank you so much for the support you gave me today! I must have been the biggest emotional wreck today.. I know I had extreme panda eyes, I was in some next mood and I was generally probably a horrible person >.< I was definitely the opposite of my actual self... I could tell you all got scared and didn't know how to comfort me so I apologise but THANK YOU SO MUCH <3
And okay, Hull university... HERE I COME! >.<
Thursday, 18 August 2011
Friday, 6 May 2011
EUGH.
04.05.2011
Weather: Cloudy
I’ve never cried so much in my life today. I cried at school. Just allow me. ¬¬ so like shameful… ugly baby would have judged me. I’ve learnt you should never cry at school.. you don’t want to burden your friends. School is a place where I can escape to, to get away from all the problems we have at home. It’s somewhere I feel safe. >.< just what is wrong with me?
I had to cry today at school. Sorry guys. My fault. Mianhe.
I thought I was going to be able to hold it all in. I thought I was stronger than that.
I tried to fight back the tears. But today it was extra hard. I don’t know why. Because as soon as I saw them my eyes just filled with water and even blinking couldn’t help. Mianhe, I feel so useless. I am just a waste of space sometimes. I can’t even look after myself. How pathetic am I?
I’ve never had the “happiness” that you were supposed to have as a kid. I learnt that as a kid, I’m not important. I have to be there for myself. Anything I want, I have to achieve myself. It was such a lonely process. Sometimes at school, I even fake a smile and I pretend I’m someone else. I pretend that I come from a family background everyone would be jealous of. But to be frank, there’s nothing to be jealous of.
I just want a tiny bit of love from my parents… just a little bit.. Is that too much to ask for? I know I’m being greedy but just once.. I would be so happy. No one has ever appreciated or has been proud of any of my achievements. Does that make me a failure? I wish I was young again. Naïve, innocent and helpless. Maybe then, I would be able to get just once hug. Just one hug. But there’s no use now. I literally have given up on hoping. Hope is such a cruel thing to me. I never want to believe in it again. It tricks me into thinking life is actually worth living for. But it’s just a temporary thing. And it never comes true. Promises are never kept and my wishes never come true. I used to be so optimistic. I would always look on the bright side of life. It was just a lie. I lied to myself to protect myself and now I just can’t seem to lie any more. Why does it hurt? It shouldn’t hurt but it does.
I know I’m really lucky to be who I am today and what I have. I am so grateful for that and I really do appreciate what I have. But I still feel like there’s a hole in my heart. Like how there’s a missing piece to a jigsaw. Like the night sky when it’s all dark and there isn’t a star in sight. Or like a McDonald’s cheeseburger without the gherkin. I keep hoping someone will fill it. But no matter how hard I try to fill it, how hard my friends cheer me up, the hole is still there. It’s turned into a scar. A scar that I will never be able to erase. An ugly reminder of my life.
I’m trying so hard to live life to the full but it’s easier said than done. I try to smile. Smiling releases endorphins that are supposed to make you happier. But I’m scared one day I’ll forget how to smile. I’ll stop producing endorphins. I’ll become a big lump of crap. I am probably the biggest piece of crap you could get. I’m scared of stepping out of my circle now because every time I come close to opening up, something will slam the door shut. Life is just like that. Full of bad timings and full of crap. We become stronger by throwing away crap ourselves and by living on, regardless of what crap is waiting for us to tread on.
I want to give up hoping, but there’s nothing else I can do. I don’t know how to struggle on. I can’t remember how to do anything anymore. I’ll keep hoping. Hoping that what I wish for comes true. Please. It’s all I’m hoping for. I know it’s immature to be living for a hope that will never come true but if you take it away from me, I will stop breathing. It gets so bad that every time I see a dandelion seed drift pass, I hope. Every time I see a rainbow, I wish. Every time I see the stars, I hope more…
I want to apologise to you beautiful people who saw me cry today. I hope my messed up face didn’t scare you more! You let me cry. Thank you. I have never let myself cry to a point I’m physically shaking. I am so sorry you had to see me like that today. I can’t promise I’ll be happy but I am trying. But that meant so much to me. I don’t think you’ll understand how much I really appreciated that and you’ll think its some cheesy shit I’m whipping out, but seriously. You guys cared for me. You guys listened to my every word. You guys wiped away the tears I cried. You guys tried to make me smile. No one has ever done that for me. I don’t know how to ever repay you guys. You guys are Alaine Sung’s very own fire fighters. You guys are like Jan Di’s very own Ji Hoo sunbae. Thank you.
And thanks to you guys, I’ll be okay! Aja aja hwaiting! ^^
Don’t worry about me. I’m Alaine Sung. What haven’t I lived through? ^^
Weather: Cloudy
I’ve never cried so much in my life today. I cried at school. Just allow me. ¬¬ so like shameful… ugly baby would have judged me. I’ve learnt you should never cry at school.. you don’t want to burden your friends. School is a place where I can escape to, to get away from all the problems we have at home. It’s somewhere I feel safe. >.< just what is wrong with me?
I had to cry today at school. Sorry guys. My fault. Mianhe.
I thought I was going to be able to hold it all in. I thought I was stronger than that.
I tried to fight back the tears. But today it was extra hard. I don’t know why. Because as soon as I saw them my eyes just filled with water and even blinking couldn’t help. Mianhe, I feel so useless. I am just a waste of space sometimes. I can’t even look after myself. How pathetic am I?
I’ve never had the “happiness” that you were supposed to have as a kid. I learnt that as a kid, I’m not important. I have to be there for myself. Anything I want, I have to achieve myself. It was such a lonely process. Sometimes at school, I even fake a smile and I pretend I’m someone else. I pretend that I come from a family background everyone would be jealous of. But to be frank, there’s nothing to be jealous of.
I just want a tiny bit of love from my parents… just a little bit.. Is that too much to ask for? I know I’m being greedy but just once.. I would be so happy. No one has ever appreciated or has been proud of any of my achievements. Does that make me a failure? I wish I was young again. Naïve, innocent and helpless. Maybe then, I would be able to get just once hug. Just one hug. But there’s no use now. I literally have given up on hoping. Hope is such a cruel thing to me. I never want to believe in it again. It tricks me into thinking life is actually worth living for. But it’s just a temporary thing. And it never comes true. Promises are never kept and my wishes never come true. I used to be so optimistic. I would always look on the bright side of life. It was just a lie. I lied to myself to protect myself and now I just can’t seem to lie any more. Why does it hurt? It shouldn’t hurt but it does.
I know I’m really lucky to be who I am today and what I have. I am so grateful for that and I really do appreciate what I have. But I still feel like there’s a hole in my heart. Like how there’s a missing piece to a jigsaw. Like the night sky when it’s all dark and there isn’t a star in sight. Or like a McDonald’s cheeseburger without the gherkin. I keep hoping someone will fill it. But no matter how hard I try to fill it, how hard my friends cheer me up, the hole is still there. It’s turned into a scar. A scar that I will never be able to erase. An ugly reminder of my life.
I’m trying so hard to live life to the full but it’s easier said than done. I try to smile. Smiling releases endorphins that are supposed to make you happier. But I’m scared one day I’ll forget how to smile. I’ll stop producing endorphins. I’ll become a big lump of crap. I am probably the biggest piece of crap you could get. I’m scared of stepping out of my circle now because every time I come close to opening up, something will slam the door shut. Life is just like that. Full of bad timings and full of crap. We become stronger by throwing away crap ourselves and by living on, regardless of what crap is waiting for us to tread on.
I want to give up hoping, but there’s nothing else I can do. I don’t know how to struggle on. I can’t remember how to do anything anymore. I’ll keep hoping. Hoping that what I wish for comes true. Please. It’s all I’m hoping for. I know it’s immature to be living for a hope that will never come true but if you take it away from me, I will stop breathing. It gets so bad that every time I see a dandelion seed drift pass, I hope. Every time I see a rainbow, I wish. Every time I see the stars, I hope more…
I want to apologise to you beautiful people who saw me cry today. I hope my messed up face didn’t scare you more! You let me cry. Thank you. I have never let myself cry to a point I’m physically shaking. I am so sorry you had to see me like that today. I can’t promise I’ll be happy but I am trying. But that meant so much to me. I don’t think you’ll understand how much I really appreciated that and you’ll think its some cheesy shit I’m whipping out, but seriously. You guys cared for me. You guys listened to my every word. You guys wiped away the tears I cried. You guys tried to make me smile. No one has ever done that for me. I don’t know how to ever repay you guys. You guys are Alaine Sung’s very own fire fighters. You guys are like Jan Di’s very own Ji Hoo sunbae. Thank you.
And thanks to you guys, I’ll be okay! Aja aja hwaiting! ^^
Don’t worry about me. I’m Alaine Sung. What haven’t I lived through? ^^
Monday, 17 January 2011
Parents.
16.01.10
AISHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *sighs*
Why are parents like that??
They basically control everything. Every SINGLE part of your life.
Today my mum said to me "Why aren't you doing homework?"
I was completely baffled by this question. She has never ever questioned me once about my homework. Not once when I was in junior school. Not once in secondary school. But now when I'm in the last year of my A-levels... 10 years too late.
I know that it wasn't her fault. We had a takeaway and I know how full on they are as I work in one now. But as a kid, I was lonely. The best times of my childhood was when it was the weekend because that meant that my parents had the day off. Even the day off included going to chinese supermarkets stocking up on food and or buying woks, I was happy. I was with my parents. I would barely see my parents during the week. I would have gone to school in the morning and by the time I get back, they would already be preparing for the evening shift. I used to sleep in the same room as my parents and my older brother. I used to keep my brother awake so I wouldn't feel lonely. I would kick his bed every so often hoping he would stay awake. Sometimes I would even lie on the floor and listen to what my parents were up to. I used to try and stay awake to wait for them. But as I was only 7 or 8, I couldn't handle it and fall asleep before my parents finished. So this meant I had to look after myself. I was my own rock. I could only rely on myself. I would work so hard at school. I would listen to the teacher, do all my homeworks, read my books, play on my own, keep secrets to myself and I never dared tell my parents about myself or let them worry about me because I know they have so many other important things they need to worry about.
This is how our relationship has been for the past 10 years. My mum has done everything a good mother would do. Everything an amazing mum would have done.
I'm so grateful and I really do appreciate her for being her whenever I needed her. Thank you so much for looking after me for 18 years. But she neglected my feelings. Because I push myself to be good, I have never done anything to let her be disappointed or angry at me for, she doesn't tend to notice when something is wrong. So I built a bubble to protect myself, but now she wants to come back and start again. It's so hard for me. I don't know to to deal with it. I'm not very good with talking to her. It usually ends in a huge fight. She's just one of the people I'm unable to communicate with. The bubble I created prevents me from running up to her and hugging her. I really want to but I can't bring myself to do it. I wish I could. I know I should be a better daughter. I should listen to her more when she tells me to do things. But I'm actually mature enough now to think on my own. I have been ever since she stopped caring for me emotionally. When I cry, I hide in my room. Turn the music up. Cry until I can't cry anymore. She has never once comforted me. She once even shouted at me because I was crying. I had fallen out with a close friend and all she said was "It was all your fault wasn't it? Now go and apologise to your friend," She didn't ask whether I was okay or what happened. She just assumed it was me.
It's better now because I can't feel any of this. I don't cry anymore. I just "live with it". I must've done something wrong. I just don't know what it is yet. I've always been put behind my brothers. It's always been younger brother, older brother, me. I don't know whether it's just me but I feel like I'm always shunned to the back. No matter how hard I work at school and how teachers praise me for my hard work, she never has anything to say to me. She never congratulates me, she never says how good I am or how I should keep working. Just a cold "Work harder". It breaks my heart when she tells me this.. and now she's asking why I'm not doing my homework?
I wish she knew me better. Because of her, I cry. Yet she doesn't know. I just really hope we can get on better in the future. Because I really want a mum. Someone who cares. I love you <3
AISHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *sighs*
Why are parents like that??
They basically control everything. Every SINGLE part of your life.
Today my mum said to me "Why aren't you doing homework?"
I was completely baffled by this question. She has never ever questioned me once about my homework. Not once when I was in junior school. Not once in secondary school. But now when I'm in the last year of my A-levels... 10 years too late.
I know that it wasn't her fault. We had a takeaway and I know how full on they are as I work in one now. But as a kid, I was lonely. The best times of my childhood was when it was the weekend because that meant that my parents had the day off. Even the day off included going to chinese supermarkets stocking up on food and or buying woks, I was happy. I was with my parents. I would barely see my parents during the week. I would have gone to school in the morning and by the time I get back, they would already be preparing for the evening shift. I used to sleep in the same room as my parents and my older brother. I used to keep my brother awake so I wouldn't feel lonely. I would kick his bed every so often hoping he would stay awake. Sometimes I would even lie on the floor and listen to what my parents were up to. I used to try and stay awake to wait for them. But as I was only 7 or 8, I couldn't handle it and fall asleep before my parents finished. So this meant I had to look after myself. I was my own rock. I could only rely on myself. I would work so hard at school. I would listen to the teacher, do all my homeworks, read my books, play on my own, keep secrets to myself and I never dared tell my parents about myself or let them worry about me because I know they have so many other important things they need to worry about.
This is how our relationship has been for the past 10 years. My mum has done everything a good mother would do. Everything an amazing mum would have done.
I'm so grateful and I really do appreciate her for being her whenever I needed her. Thank you so much for looking after me for 18 years. But she neglected my feelings. Because I push myself to be good, I have never done anything to let her be disappointed or angry at me for, she doesn't tend to notice when something is wrong. So I built a bubble to protect myself, but now she wants to come back and start again. It's so hard for me. I don't know to to deal with it. I'm not very good with talking to her. It usually ends in a huge fight. She's just one of the people I'm unable to communicate with. The bubble I created prevents me from running up to her and hugging her. I really want to but I can't bring myself to do it. I wish I could. I know I should be a better daughter. I should listen to her more when she tells me to do things. But I'm actually mature enough now to think on my own. I have been ever since she stopped caring for me emotionally. When I cry, I hide in my room. Turn the music up. Cry until I can't cry anymore. She has never once comforted me. She once even shouted at me because I was crying. I had fallen out with a close friend and all she said was "It was all your fault wasn't it? Now go and apologise to your friend," She didn't ask whether I was okay or what happened. She just assumed it was me.
It's better now because I can't feel any of this. I don't cry anymore. I just "live with it". I must've done something wrong. I just don't know what it is yet. I've always been put behind my brothers. It's always been younger brother, older brother, me. I don't know whether it's just me but I feel like I'm always shunned to the back. No matter how hard I work at school and how teachers praise me for my hard work, she never has anything to say to me. She never congratulates me, she never says how good I am or how I should keep working. Just a cold "Work harder". It breaks my heart when she tells me this.. and now she's asking why I'm not doing my homework?
I wish she knew me better. Because of her, I cry. Yet she doesn't know. I just really hope we can get on better in the future. Because I really want a mum. Someone who cares. I love you <3
Sunday, 16 January 2011
BFFL.
Don't you just hate it when your BFFL takes the piss out of you?
WELL I DO. ¬¬
GRRRRRR.
I'm going to toe her up the PENIS. THEN THROW HER INTO A POOL OF TOES.
TAKE THAT BISH. Yeah I thought not.
SAY NO MORE. ¬¬
WELL I DO. ¬¬
GRRRRRR.
I'm going to toe her up the PENIS. THEN THROW HER INTO A POOL OF TOES.
TAKE THAT BISH. Yeah I thought not.
SAY NO MORE. ¬¬
Thursday, 30 December 2010
SOME PEOPLE...
Baby, I know you're reading this and I want to write this to tell you how I feel.
YOU'RE SO BRAVE. One of the bravest people I have ever met.
YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL. You are stunning. You smile so prettily, you have an amazing figure which captures every man's heart out there, you have such a pure soul.
YOU'RE SO MATURE. Although you are younger than me by a few months, you think so adult like.
You should always smile because I will always be here for you, looking out for you and I will forever try my best to protect you.
You've been through so much. You're so strong. I can't believe and I'm shocked at you. You've managed to cope through everything on your own. No one else I know would be able to do that. I really admire you and I envy you.
What you had to go through was so wrong. That person betrayed your trust, but most importantly you. I hope this doesn't affect you for life. It's not worth it. You're amazing. WHY SHOULD YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH WITH SUCH A BAD ORDEAL? You didn't deserve it at all. I hope you can forget what happened. You need to move on bubby. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR! ^__^
I only have 3 words I want to say to you : I LOVE YOU
<3
YOU'RE SO BRAVE. One of the bravest people I have ever met.
YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL. You are stunning. You smile so prettily, you have an amazing figure which captures every man's heart out there, you have such a pure soul.
YOU'RE SO MATURE. Although you are younger than me by a few months, you think so adult like.
You should always smile because I will always be here for you, looking out for you and I will forever try my best to protect you.
You've been through so much. You're so strong. I can't believe and I'm shocked at you. You've managed to cope through everything on your own. No one else I know would be able to do that. I really admire you and I envy you.
What you had to go through was so wrong. That person betrayed your trust, but most importantly you. I hope this doesn't affect you for life. It's not worth it. You're amazing. WHY SHOULD YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH WITH SUCH A BAD ORDEAL? You didn't deserve it at all. I hope you can forget what happened. You need to move on bubby. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR! ^__^
I only have 3 words I want to say to you : I LOVE YOU
<3
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
i'm sucha failure. no lie.
AISH. fml. BUYO. what is actually wrong with me NO LIE. ¬¬
i actually cant properly tell u how much i actually hate myself atm.
or how much i hate jealousy.
jealousy is actually a killer.
i wish i could be a better person where i wouldnt be jealous but i guess i cant.
im jealous of my best friends AGAIN.
seriously i must be like psychologically damaged ¬¬ no lie.
last night i did something i really shouldnt have gotten so petty over..
okay im on the phone to my best friend because she wasnt happy and she needed to confide in someone about her problem n then her bf texts her..
im not jealous that she has a bf cos they totally deserve to be with each other because they are actually so genuine to each other and i believe that hes gonna be there for her because she has been with such dicks i just want to slap.
but the thing is she said she was gonna call me back after she had a short chat to him. she could tell that i was disappointed because were on the phone every night without fail. chatting about the most useless things in life but thats what makes us friends <3
so i waited and waited.. i sat there like a pabo for 2 hours. still nothing. i cant actually describe how lonely and betrayed and upset i was.
why didnt she call back?
have i done something wrong?
am i not that important any more?
those questions kept rushing through my head.
i couldnt actually believe how she broke our promise.
we promised that it was always gonna be "hoes before bros"... but it wasnt.
i know having a bf is a good thing n im so happy for her and i am, dont get me wrong, but there's a part of me inside which is broken.
i've never had a best friend like her tbh. i've only just met these best friends. before i was used, abused, left out... so when i met her i felt like she was my twin. we're really close but i can feel us drifting away.. i guess friendship is not the thing for me.
i must be such a horrible person for thinking like this. i cant even convince myself im not. i even had to cry myself to sleep last night.
i'm actually so selfish. i guess i really didnt want anything to change. i dont want to share her with other people because im scared ill lose her. shes actually so important to me and i want to be a good friend to her like how she is to me. but its impossible i swear. because i cant promise i'll always be there for her and i wont ditch her if i get a bf in the future so its like hypocritical of me.
aish ottokae. i dont know what to do.
i feel like a failure. failure in being generous, kind, loving person i see myself to be.
aish. f.m.l.
i actually cant properly tell u how much i actually hate myself atm.
or how much i hate jealousy.
jealousy is actually a killer.
i wish i could be a better person where i wouldnt be jealous but i guess i cant.
im jealous of my best friends AGAIN.
seriously i must be like psychologically damaged ¬¬ no lie.
last night i did something i really shouldnt have gotten so petty over..
okay im on the phone to my best friend because she wasnt happy and she needed to confide in someone about her problem n then her bf texts her..
im not jealous that she has a bf cos they totally deserve to be with each other because they are actually so genuine to each other and i believe that hes gonna be there for her because she has been with such dicks i just want to slap.
but the thing is she said she was gonna call me back after she had a short chat to him. she could tell that i was disappointed because were on the phone every night without fail. chatting about the most useless things in life but thats what makes us friends <3
so i waited and waited.. i sat there like a pabo for 2 hours. still nothing. i cant actually describe how lonely and betrayed and upset i was.
why didnt she call back?
have i done something wrong?
am i not that important any more?
those questions kept rushing through my head.
i couldnt actually believe how she broke our promise.
we promised that it was always gonna be "hoes before bros"... but it wasnt.
i know having a bf is a good thing n im so happy for her and i am, dont get me wrong, but there's a part of me inside which is broken.
i've never had a best friend like her tbh. i've only just met these best friends. before i was used, abused, left out... so when i met her i felt like she was my twin. we're really close but i can feel us drifting away.. i guess friendship is not the thing for me.
i must be such a horrible person for thinking like this. i cant even convince myself im not. i even had to cry myself to sleep last night.
i'm actually so selfish. i guess i really didnt want anything to change. i dont want to share her with other people because im scared ill lose her. shes actually so important to me and i want to be a good friend to her like how she is to me. but its impossible i swear. because i cant promise i'll always be there for her and i wont ditch her if i get a bf in the future so its like hypocritical of me.
aish ottokae. i dont know what to do.
i feel like a failure. failure in being generous, kind, loving person i see myself to be.
aish. f.m.l.
Monday, 24 May 2010
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